Look, if we’re going to pull this off, you need to remember one crucial thing: Under no circumstances are you to refer to me by my real name when we’re in there. Do you understand? In there they know me as Ben, and in there you call me Ben. It’s for a good reason, so quit asking stupid questions and listen. I’ve been working on this for a long time, and I can’t have some goofball mucking it up. Got it?

What if I have to pay with a credit card? No, of course my credit card doesn’t say “Ben” on it. Shut off your stupid question hose. It’s not like this is an official thing. The Feds ain’t paying for it. I just stumbled into this thing, and now I gotta keep it up. It’s too late to go back. What, after all these months am I just going to tell them, “Hey, you know, hate to break it to you, but my name’s not really Ben”? You crazy? I gotta keep this up. You with me?

I don’t pay with a credit card. Ever. I always pay cash. They call me Ben, I answer to it. It’s real simple. You talk to me in there, you call me Ben. Don’t go calling me Ben every time you say something to me, like “Hey Ben, you want a soda? Tough morning at the office, eh, Ben?” Not like that. Ease it in a couple times, that’s all. When we’re standing at the counter, ask me a question, use Ben, once, that’s it.

I don’t want to get into it. It’s complicated, it’s been going on for months. It’s like you’re walking into the middle of a movie and asking a lot of questions. If you’d been there on time, you wouldn’t have so many stupid questions. Now it’s half over, they found the guy with the gun, and you’re asking why the girl is crying. Forget about it. Just come in there with me, call me Ben, and that’s it. I’ll tell you on the way home. Right now, I just need a goddamn sandwich.

Katya had the same problem, you know. Katya, you know, the blonde who works for Steve. They thought her name was Latoya, but she did the smart thing. She told them right off, told them Latoya’s not her name. It’s Katya. Me, I wasn’t so smart. I didn’t say anything. I let them call me Ben that first day and it stuck. Next day, I walk in the door, and that Chinese guy making the sandwiches says, “Hey Ben! What can I get you?” It’s already too late. Now I’m frickin’ Ben. And I work right next door, so I’m in there all the time. After them calling me Ben for two or three days, what am I gonna do? I can’t correct them. Why wouldn’t I have done it sooner? “Hey, I know you been calling me Ben all week, but that’s not really my name.” Yeah right. I’m playing some joke on them? It’s not funny. A joke’s gotta be funny. Now it’s been months. I’ve been Ben for months in there. I can’t change it now. I’m gonna look like some creep.

And what the hell, it’s kinda nice being Ben. When I go in there, I ain’t me. I ain’t got that crummy job, I ain’t got that nasty bag of fleas at home. I could be anybody. I could be a Fed. I could be a senator, porn star, you name it. Hell, I could be the king of frickin’ France for all they know. Left my crown at the soirée, that’s all. Hell, I could drive a Cadillac. Now wouldn’t that be something? Me in a Cadillac?

paul paul paul paul paul! paul!

ha. somebody asked me if "tuckova" was my married name, and i felt all weird. like i never said it was my name, you know? but now how do i unsay it?