Excuse me, ma’am, I don’t mean to bother you or seem impertinent in any way, but I couldn’t help but notice all those magnetic ribbons on the back of your SUV. That’s quite a collection you’ve got. Now, I understand that you love America. How could anyone not love it? It’s almost as unimaginable as not loving freedom, or not hating terrorists. Jeez, I hate them. I used to hate communists, but there aren’t too many of them left anymore. Freedom beat the communists, and freedom can beat these terrorists too. Well, freedom and the world’s biggest army. Don’t get me wrong—I still hate Fidel Castro, and if I knew more about him I’d probably hate Alexander Lukashenko too, but really it doesn’t matter. I feel like I should hate Robert Mugabe, even though he’s not a communist or a terrorist, but I spend so much energy hating Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden that I just can’t muster up enough hate for all those who really deserve it. Some of them I can’t even keep track of. I used to love Ahmed Chalabi, but now I really don’t think much about him at all. And that al-Zarqawi guy? I hate him big time. All you have to do is ask yourself, “Who would Jesus hate?”

No, ma’am, I had to speak up because of some of your other ribbons. I notice that you support America, as I mentioned, and that you support our troops too. Jeez, I support them too, probably more than you even. I mean, I personally know a troop, and he loves freedom (and Jesus) more than just about anyone else I know. After all, you know, there they are, putting themselves in harm’s way for the greatest of all great causes, and they really do need our love and support to bring them home safely. This might sound a little, well, you know, radical, but what if we supported our troops so much that we gave them really good and timely veteran’s benefits? Now, of course, I know that with fighting two simultaneous wars in the name of freedom, while at the same time giving tax cuts to regular stiffs like you and me who work for our half mil a year, and especially with cutting the tax on dividends and the estate tax and the capital gains tax, someone has to pay the price. Freedom isn’t free, after all. I noticed you have that ribbon, too. I like that one. It reminds me that sometimes we have to increase military spending and defense spending, while also pumping billions into Homeland Security at the expense of all the domestic programs that benefit the middle class, the poor, the elderly, women, minorities, and the unfortunate. Hey, we all have to sacrifice for freedom. If the soldiers are doing it, the poor can do it too. When is the last time the poor had to give up anything, huh? Seems to me they’ve had it pretty good for an awfully long time.

So I think we agree about a lot of things. I really like your camouflaged “support our troops” ribbon, and your “God bless America” ribbon. I also really like that one “support our troops” ribbon that’s turned on its side like the Jesus fish, and that POW/MIA ribbon. What I wanted to tell you, and I don’t mean any disrespect by saying this, is that those two over there, the pink one about supporting a cure for you-know-what cancer and the one about supporting a cure for AIDS, are offending my children. Do you know what I mean? I mean, don’t you think it’s just a little bit inappropriate to use the B-word like that where curious little eyes can see it? And AIDS, well, what do I have to say about that, really? That’s the disease that kills homo-sexuals, and I think we all know who to thank for finally getting that mess cleaned up once and for all, don’t we? Starts with a “J,” ends with an “S”? Because if we live in a country where people can say whatever they want all over their SUVs and homosexuals can show their love in broad daylight, then the terrorists have already won.

Are you being facetious?